Colonel Sanders bangs
At least that is what KFC, Wieden + Kennedy, and Lifetime want you to think with their new mini-movie, ‘A Recipe for Seduction’.
And they are not wrong. Mario Lopez dons the spectacles and goatee, and forgoes the Colonel’s String tie for a rakish neckerchief, in the role of Harland Sanders, former head chef at ‘Le Petit Pamplemousse’ (the Small Grapefruit? Really?) and owner of a secret recipe of herbs and spices that will change the world.
A Recipe for Seduction, a Lifetime channel sixteen-minute long mini-movie, falling somewhere between an extended advert and branded content, is the latest chapter in the reimagining of Colonel Sanders as a Dreamboat MegaHunkTM. First there was ‘Tender Wings of Desire’, a steamy Romance novel about a wealthy young woman running away from her family to be with a mysterious but irresistible handsome stranger named Harland. This accompanied a 2017 campaign asking families to "let Colonel Sanders take care of dinner … and Mom's fantasies". Then came ‘I Love You, Colonel Sanders’ an Otaku-pandering, anime styled romance simulator, all based around the idea of scoring a date with a version of Harland that’s more BTS than KFC.
The movie begins with a dinner of, what else, fried chicken, all clearly KFC products, but interestingly there is no outright naming of merchandise throughout the movie. Billy, who is clearly The Worst, makes a still-at-the-table marriage proposal to Jessica, the Heroine of the story. Jessica, obviously embarrassed, blows off Billy, and says she needs time to think, while leaving. Bunny, Jessica’s mother apologises to Billy and everyone. Bunny, who, apropos of nothing is also The Worst, tells Jessica the next day that she needs to marry Billy for his money, as her father’s recent death has left them in debt and with nothing. Jessica then meets the new Chef, Harland Sanders, and is instantly wanting climb up all over that. “New Chef?”, I hear you ask, “I thought this family was broke?” Well… shush you. Ok?
Jessica and Harland take a walk, he tells her about his eleven herbs and spices, she tells him about Billy, who is still The Worst, when none other than Billy Garibaldi (He must have made his money in biscuits) shows up, says something that boils down to you, Jessica, belong to me, Billy, and then calls Harland “Crouton”, which has now become my favourite insult.
Of course, Jessica is already in love with Harland, and after Billy tries to pay him off with $500,000, he skips right to kidnapping him, and for good measure, kidnaps Lee, Jessica’s Gay best friend and breakout star of this entire piece. Bunny hits Lee with a Polo mallet to emphasise how posh they are. They both end up tied to chairs in a shed next to the pool where Jessica finds them, confronts Billy, who is quickly overpowered, more Polo Malleting ensues, and Jessica, Harland and Lee all run away so the happy couple can marry and live happily ever after. Billy and Bunny are left to plot their revenge at a dreary rehab-inspired ‘Wellbeing centre’ in grey tracksuits, while eating fried chicken. Expect a sequel with a name like ‘Love Me Tenders’.
The ‘Sexy Colonel’ meme grew out of the Twitter world of 2016 where Wendy’s Restaurant dished out burns faster than an untrained grill cook on roller-skates. It has since grown into a meme of its own, only bolstered by the marketing efforts of KFC, as fans of the chicken ironically embrace their new Chicken Daddy.
Viewers in the UK might be feeling a little bit left behind by all this. The KFC offerings here are more along the lines of marketing the brand as young and fresh, like ‘What the Cluck’, or this summer’s more recent campaign, a renunciation of the “Finger Lickin’ Good” slogan, which is apt during the COVID Pandemic. The ‘Sexy Colonel’ idea seems to have existed in the fever dreams of the internet and been fanned into our wider consciousness by the US division of the fried chicken brand.
So, is it ok that an old, white Honorary ‘Colonel’, who once shot a business rival, regularly cheated on his first wife, fat-shamed the fans of his restaurant, and essentially made his money off of a traditionally African American style of food should now be played by a sexy Actor (with Biceps) of Mexican descent?
I’m not really sure I can answer that, but if Mr. Lopez is reading this, I have a large selection of drawings of Harland, myself, and a bucket of fried chicken that I would really like to share with you. I’m looking forward to hearing from you soon.
Ace x
Article references:
Movie can be watched here
About cheating here
About shooting a guy here
About fat shaming here